


Loneliness

by LiaIsInLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Anorexia Nervosa, Anorexic Niall, Anxiety Disorder, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cutting, Depressed Niall, Depression, EDNOS, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Niall-centric, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Niall, Suicidal Niall, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidality, Suicide, Triggers, self mutilation, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 16:53:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4312893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything hurt so incredibly, so terribly badly. </p><p>Or the one where Niall is drowning in loneliness.</p><p>PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE ANY POSSIBILITY OF BEING TRIGGERED!!!!!!!!  I'M BEGGING YOU!!!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE ANY POSSIBILITY OF BEING TRIGGERED!!!!!!!! I'M BEGGING YOU!!!!! IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN BACK, I PROMISE
> 
> If you do choose to read this, do not fool yourself into thinking that the issues I am discussing are at all romantic or beautiful. Stop romanticizing and glorifying sadness and mental illness. It is not beautiful, it is not artistic; it is fucking hell.

Niall laughed bitterly.  Here he was again, all alone, swarmed by the hordes of loneliness that buzzed like furious hornets, suffocating him as they crawled over his face, their stingers trailing delicately across his skin, threatening to pierce him if he moved too suddenly or breathed too loudly, forcing their way into his mouth and down his throat so that he could not breathe around the thousands of poisonous bodies, seeping out of his every pore so that every orifice oozed with the barbed insects.  The hive, in which the beasts made their decaying home, was in his chest, where his heart had once been, no longer a living, beating entity pumping life through his veins, but now merely a hollowed out cavern of despair, which the millions of armed soldiers guarded with militant ferocity.  He felt like he was going to explode, his vacant body swollen and stretched beyond recognition with the millions of fat hornets, bloated off of the life they sucked like nectar from his body.

But Niall knew that he wouldn’t explode; death would not come that easily.  Instead he was destined to sit with the insects festering, crawling through his veins, coating every inch of his skin, infesting every cell in his body, paralyzed as the life was slowly drained from his hollowed out corpse.

Caustic tears rolled down his face, sizzling holes in his skin like acid.  He wished that they would burn away his whole body until he disintegrated into nothingness. Anything to escape the agony. But he knew that serenity would not be so simple.  To escape, he must kill the loneliness, the monsters inside of him.  Only they were a part of him, his very being, they were his identity, and he could no sooner kill them than he could kill himself. So Niall fanaticized about taking his life.

Everything hurt so incredibly, so terribly badly. It was like someone had plunged a steak knife into his chest, and was slowly, torturously carving out chunks of his flesh, each piece of bloody meat being tossed carelessly into a pile on the floor, the smell of rotting decaying flesh overpowering his lungs so that he was choking, retching up legions of writhing hornets, each one stabbing him savagely with it’s spiny stinger.

And Niall wanted nothing more than to die. It didn’t matter that he had a loving family, four brothers who loved him more than the world, and millions of fans who worshipped him.  It didn’t matter that he had truly amazing friends, or that he had his own house, or all the money he could ever want and then some.  It didn’t matter that he was living out his dreams, living a life that was only supposed to happen in movies, not to real people.  It didn’t matter that he loved his job more than anything. It didn’t matter that Harry, the love of his life, his reason for living, loved him back, and promised to marry him one day.  It didn’t matter that millions of people would be devastated by his death.  It didn’t matter that the myriad of cuts littering his body no longer kept the pain at bay.  It didn’t matter that he hadn’t eaten in weeks, trying to starve out the swarms of loneliness. It didn’t matter that he was holding a razor blade in one hand, and a bottle of sleeping pills in the other. It didn’t matter that the water in the tub was turning cold.  Nothing fucking mattered.  All that mattered was that he escaped this unbearable agony.  And so Niall swallowed the entire bottle’s worth of pills, dragged the razor as hard as he could up one arm and then down the other, watching in fascination as the skin split apart, cutting like butter.  He sunk back into the now red water, counted to three, and slid beneath the surface, waiting for the pain to fade away. 

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for my shit writing. Recently my writing has been particularly awful and so this was my attempt to remedy that, but sadly, I have succeeded in nothing but writing another incredibly mediocre story. Sorry about that.
> 
> Okay, please remember that you are all so so important. You mean the world to somebody. I promise. And while it may be tempting, death is not painless, and it is not the right answer. Your death would kill your family and your friends. So no matter how hard it is, please please please promise me that you will keep fighting. You are all warriors and I know you can do it. 
> 
> 100 Reasons not to commit suicide:  
> It’s something your parents will never get over  
> It’ll destroy your siblings  
> It’ll destroy your best friends  
> Everyone will miss you  
> Your pets will be lost without you  
> Publish your writing  
> Tell your story  
> Give it time to get better, because it will  
> Help other people  
> Travel  
> Art  
> Have a drink at 21  
> Get tattooed  
> Graduate high school  
> Graduate college  
> Get married  
> Have kids  
> Drive  
> Live on your own one day  
> Concerts  
> Music  
> New movies  
> New music  
> Next album of your favorite band  
> Next season of your favorite show  
> Sequel to your favorite movie  
> Learn a new instrument  
> Photography  
> Reading  
> New books  
> See a book you like become a movie  
> Meet your idols  
> Have a job, get a first paycheck  
> Go scuba diving  
> See a bunch of different animals in person  
> Go to museums  
> Go to haunted places  
> Learn a new language  
> Go in a hot air balloon  
> New York City  
> See yourself recover  
> Food  
> Be an inspiration  
> It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem  
> There will be a time you’ll see that you’re glad you didn’t do it  
> You are so beautiful  
> You are so precious  
> Sunsets  
> Being in a relationship with someone you love  
> You are so loved, I love you  
> Being outside in the sunrise  
> Prove people wrong with your success  
> The people who bullied/abused/hurt you are complete failures in their lives and you are so much better than them  
> Drinking coffee  
> Drinking tea  
> Amusement parks  
> Bonfires  
> Sitting on rooftops  
> Meeting, potentially, hundreds of new people  
> You matter  
> You are important, you are not worthless  
> You make other people happy  
> You are NEVER alone  
> Making new friends  
> People do care about you  
> There is only one you in the whole world  
> You have so much potential  
> You’re super smart, you can do great things  
> Treehouses  
> Hugs  
> Kisses  
> Stargazing  
> Dancing  
> You could save someone’s life  
> You have so much of life ahead of you  
> Beaches  
> Listening to rainstorms  
> Waking up to sunshine and birds chirping  
> Snow  
> Holidays  
> Halloween!! Autumn, costumes, candy, pumpkins, scary movies!!  
> Opening presents  
> Your next birthday  
> You’re so talented  
> Laughing really hard  
> The world would not be the same if you weren’t alive  
> Flowers  
> Be your own hero  
> Bubble baths & Bath bombs  
> Cuddling  
> Lying on the grass and watching clouds  
> Drinking hot chocolate  
> Meeting your long distance friends  
> Doing crazy shit with your best friends  
> Staying up all night & Sleeping in  
> Your scars will heal  
> Cute baby animals  
> Your life can only get better  
> You have a voice and a right to be heard  
> Experiencing life 
> 
> Suicide and Other Support Hotlines:  
> World-wide - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122914996788/suicide-hotlines-worldwide  
> USA - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915395263/suicide-hotlines-usa  
> UK - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915280248/suicide-hotlines-uk
> 
> If nothing else, please know that I am ALWAYS here if ever you need someone to talk to or support you, or if you ever just need a friend. You are important, you are kind, you are smart, you are special, and you are loved. Please remember that. If you ever are having trouble remembering this, please come talk to me; you can find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com 
> 
> Don't ever think that you are alone, because you are not. I promise. I love you all so much.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


End file.
